Having faith

I'll just jump right into this post today. I'm experiencing disappointment, heartache, jealousy and lack of faith. Why? Because we've been trying to fall pregnant for more than a year now following the loss of our first child. And all that's happening is...nothing. Every month I slowly but surely build up the excitement that, 'this might just be the month it happens', only to come crashing at the end of my cycle when, once again, nothing....

I'm struggling with this, asking 'why, why, why???'. I don't for one second believe that I serve a cruel, heartless, distant GOD, but One that gives life, and that in abundance. Yet I find myself asking, 'Am I not a good enough Christian? Don't I pray or read the Bible often enough? Is my faith THAT lacking? Is my body just not willing to give us the child we so want?' But I've come to realise that my desire for a child overrides any other heart's desire I have. It came to the point that I had to admit that it's my top priority, not my relationship with GOD nor my husband.

I know that I have to work on that, and just last week I could reside in GOD for the first time in a long time, and say to Him, "Okay, not my will but YOUR will". That was difficult, since I am a control-freak. To hand over control (even though I never really had it, eh? Since biology is not dictated by my whims) is very difficult for me, to say to GOD "You really know what You're doing" when things aren't going the way I want it to, that's hectic for me. Yet, I know I have to release myself from this, because it's busy driving me crazy. My life comes to a halt, to a sudden breakdown every month, nothing being as important as the answer to 'Am I pregnant or not?'.

I've been spending a lot of time reading Job, and also James. Job is still difficult to read, but he kept his faith even though he endured all that pain. He never forsaked GOD, even though he had lengthy conversations with his friends and GOD about his dire situation. I want to have faith like that...

In Hebrews 11:1 it says "Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see." (NIV). I have to have faith that GOD knows what's best for me, the same way He says in Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (NIV) He has a hope and future for me that I cannot begin to fathom, even though I would love to have a sneak-peak.

GOD says in James 1:3-4 "because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." (NIV)

HE also promises:
⁷ “But blessed is the one who trusts in the LORD,
whose confidence is in him.
⁸ They will be like a tree planted by the water
that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
and never fails to bear fruit.” (NIV, Jeremiah 17:7-8)

I have to keep on holding onto these promises, otherwise my heart will break time and time again. I don't want to have all those feelings I first described. I don't want to feel inadequate as a woman, struggling to bring forth a next generation. But most of all, I don't want this to come inbetween my relationship with GOD, the way it has in the past year.

I want to be released from this continuous sadness and brokeness and inability to not let go of my 'control'. I want GOD to be the centre of my life, not my obsession? over the desire of having a child. And I want this not to interfere with my relationship with my husband...because marriage is not only about reproducing, but about building on a already wonderful relationship between two beings to experience fellowship with GOD on a completely new and elevated level.

GOD, help me to surrender completely, laying all at YOUR feet, relinquishing control and my will, and believing in YOUR perfect timing.

Remarkable Child

Remarkable Child…

I discovered your presence early one Monday…
Confirmed it late the next Tuesday afternoon
I started dreaming up our future,
Everything was so perfect…
And for four solid weeks
I carried you in my heart.

I remember seeing your heart

Beating strongly on the screen

You were ever so tiny at 7 weeks
But I was already in love!

Then at 9 ½ weeks,
Your heart came to a standstill.
And what should have been a joyous day
Turned into a day of despair…

I watched your lifeless little body
On the screen that day
Your arms perfectly formed,
Stretched out for a hug…
But where once I saw a heartbeat,
There was only white noise…

My heart skipped a beat
And the next moment I knew
That God took you to Heaven
Because your life here would be cruel.

I still carried you inside of me
To bid my farewell
And saw you on Tuesday
Already far away…
You were curled up and peaceful
With no care in the world
And I realised this was goodbye
For this lifetime at least…

I miss your presence,
Even though I never felt you move
I miss dreaming big dreams
About what we would one day do…
My heart breaks each day
When I realise anew
That this is one more day
Without knowing you…

And today I had to let go
In a way I never wanted to
But I know that one day I’ll meet you
When I go up to Heaven.
And we’ll be together once more…

~ Ronél Swart ~
~ 15 April 2010 ~

Today my husband and I experienced losing our (first) child. It hurts so much that I can't even begin to explain it. BUT "We know that in all things God works for good with those who love Him, those whom He has called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28 Good News Translation). It is for this reason that we will mourn our loss but cannot ever blame God or ourselves for it.

It is only through our faith in Jesus Christ, our LORD and Saviour that we remain standing. He's love has shone through in everyone who've supported us in the past week and a half.

So, we bid our sweet child farewell. We won't forget you, for you've made an extraordinary impact on our marriage in the short while that we carried you. For that we cannot thank you (and especially our Father in Heaven) enough!