Helping others by saying nothing

My father and mother still carries heavily on this burden called my brother's death.  But more and more I've seen my father really suffer from sadness, which really is normal and to be expected, and I feel that my hands are so chopped off.

I have this awful habit of telling people that I can't help them, or don't know what to do to make their situation better when I feel overwhelmed by their situation.  This is one of those situations.  And I had to catch myself before saying that to my dad, because how would that really make his day any better?

Sooooo, thinking this over, I realised that my best response to his sadness is not in my words (or lack thereof), but rather in my actions.  A hug, holding his hand, and if I feel the over-powering need to say something, to just say I'm sorry that he is sad.  Because the truth of the matter is, this is a loss a parent NEVER gets over - EVER. 

If I think how much I still grieve my lost baby, even though I never got to hold him/her, how much worse is my father's pain.  He who held this son, played with him, saw him grow up, become a man, get married, and accomplish so much in his short life time.  Surely, that pain is so much more intense, the memories ever-present.

Yes, I struggle with my brother's death, but at times life is normal, and I can get on with it.  But then again, I don't have to live in the house where my brother was born into, grew up in, never left, and was burried out of.  I don't have to constantly be reminded of him at every corner I turn, or every detail I see in the house.  This is what my father has to deal with, every day of his life.

It saddens me to see my dad like this, but really, I can only hug him.  That's all I have...and that's all I should give.

How do YOU help someone when they are in pain / emotional turmoil / overwhelmed?

May the grace of GOD surround you every day of your life!

Me =D

A little bit of a tribute... to someone else who knew my baby-brother

Here follows a tribute, in Afrikaans, but also translated into English, which I wrote to Jacques Raubenheimer as a response to his Tribute to Heinrich newsletter sent out in collaboration with Mountain Pursuits.

Hallo Jacques.

Marthinus Kahl, een van my vele boeties, het sopas vir my die Tribute to Heinrich gestuur wat jy verlede week uitgestuur het.

Ek wil net begin deur om vir jou dankie te sê dat jy dieselfde passie vir God deel met Heinrich as wat julle gedeel het vir klim. My woorde is bietjie meer 'clumsy' as syne - hy was altyd beter met woorde...

Toe jy daai stuk insit van wat hy geskryf het oor die tekort aan erkenning van GOD binne die klim-gemeenskap, het dit my herinner aan 'n gesprek wat Heinrich en my man (sy swaer) vroeër dié jaar gehad het. My man is in die IT-wêreld en ook nogal 'n 'avid gamer'. Hy't vir Heinrich gesê hy mis die Christelike samesyn in hierdie gemeenskappe, en dit laat hom baie alleen en afgetrokke voel omdat mense nie GOD erkenning gee soos dit hoort nie. Heinrich het toe ook teenoor Thinus (my man) opgemerk dat hy in 'n soortgelyke situasie sit wat die klimgemeenskap betref, want al is hulle omring deur GOD se glorie en rykdom van die natuur, gee hulle nie erkenning aan Die EEN wat hulle geskape het en hulle voorsien van 'n plek (die berge / boulders / rotse / die natuur) waar hulle hulle passie kan uitleef nie. Weereens het dit nou vir my duidelik geword dat GOD Heinrich se nommer EEN passie was in die lewe!

Hy't dus sy passie GOD uitgeleef in die natuur, in sy menseverhoudinge, in sy studies en in sy hobbies. Sy stokperdjies het hom op 'n manier altyd aan die natuur gekoppel - daar waar hy die naaste aan GOD gevoel het (veral die berge). Hy't 'n teleskoop gebou om die sterreprag te kon aanskou, hy't van mooi kos gehou, want hoe kan jy dan nou nie van kos hou wat onberispelik goed en mooi voorberei is nie? Hy't tou-geloop en ook ons hele familie in sy stokperdjies betrek. As dit nie vir hom was nie het ek dit NOOIT gewaag om twee maal in my lewe op rots te klim nie... en as dit nie vir sy liefde vir fotografie was nie, het hy nooit die enkele foto geneem wat my vasvang waar ek 'n roete doen naby De Hoek in Oudsthoorn nie. Sy liefde vir herwin het van hom 'n kunstenaar gemaak, wat met ander oë na ou, weggooigoed laat kyk het. Sy afgetrede klimtou het oor 'n paar weke die gestalte aangeneem van 'n gerolde mat.. dié lê nogsteeds as eerbetoon in sy en Carlien se sitkamer op die vloer. Hy't met my pa se ou elektronika parte oulike insekte gesoldeer met ou CPU's en wie weet wat nog. Hy't vir my 'n toon-vas wind-chime gebou met riete wat hy gesaag en almal volgens die klavier in 'tune' geskuur het. Hy was definitief 'n kunstenaar in eie reg en tot eer van GOD.

So ja, hierdie is maar my tribute aan my kleinboetie, my amper-tweeling boetie (met 'n verskil van 1 jaar 11 maande en 20 dae tussen ons twee). Hy't my leer boomklim, my allerhande 'ontgroening-sessies' laat deurmaak om deel van sy en Pieter-Ettiene, sy beste pel, se bende te kon wees. En ek mis hom, maar ek kyk na die natuur, en veral Boven die afgelope naweek, en besef dat hy alleenlik sy hoogste doel in die lewe kon bereik deur een met GOD te word in die natuur en deur sy verhoudings met ander. Ek eet gerookte mossels op Vita-snacks en onthou hoe hy my dit leer eet het na 'n harde klim in Hogsback se Hog 1, waar ek hom nie wou toelaat om die tou van my te laat gaan sodat hy sy multipitch kon voltooi en terug kon keer na my toe nie. Hy't my oortuig, maar dit was met BAIE oorredingsvermoë van sy kant af.

Mag julle ALMAL aanhou klim, en ALTYD dit tot eer van dié EEN doen wat aan julle die wonderskone natuur verskaf het! GOD het Heinrich op die perfekte tyd, op die perfekte plek, saam met die perfekte persoon kom haal. Wat meer kan mens voor vra in jou lewe as so 'n ongelooflike wonderlike lewe saam en IN GOD?

Groete in Christus,
Ronél

_______________________________________________________

Hallo Jacques.

Marthinus Kahl, one of my many brothers, just sent me the “Tribute to Heinrich” which you sent out in your newsletter last week.

I just want to start by thanking you for sharing the same passion for GOD with Heinrich that you both shared for climbing. My words tend to be slightly more ‘clumsy’ than his – he always was better with words…

When you inserted that excerpt from one of the emails which he sent you, about the climbing community’s lack of acknowledging GOD, it reminded me of a conversation which Heinrch had with my husband (his brother-in-law) earlier this year. My husband is in the IT-world and also a rather avid gamer. He told Heinrich that he misses the Christian Fellowship within the gaming community, and that it leaves him feeling very lonely and desolate because people don’t give GOD the credit that HE rightly deserves. Heinrich then mentioned to Thinus that he faces a similar situation within the climbing community because even though they’re surrounded by GOD’s glory and riches of nature, they don’t acknowledge The ONE who created them and provided a place (the mountains / boulders / rocks / nature) where they can pursue their passion. It once again became clear to me that GOD was Heinrich’s number ONE passion in this life!

He thus lived out his passion for GOD in nature, through his relationships with other people, and in his studies and hobbies. His hobbies always somehow connected him with nature – there where he felt closest to GOD (especially in the mountains). He once built a telescope to be able to study the star galaxies; he also liked beautiful food, because he reasoned – how can you NOT like food that is delicate, good-tasting and beautifully prepared? He did tight-rope walking and also involved our entire family in this hobby. If it weren’t for him, I would NEVER have risked it twice in my life to do ACTUAL rock climbing, out in nature, on real rock… and if it weren’t for his love of photography, he wouldn’t have captured the single photo ever taken of me doing a route near De Hoek in Oudsthoorn. His love for recycling made him an artist who looked at thrown-away items in a whole new way. His retired climbing rope became a rolled-up mat within a period of a few weeks … this mat / carpet still gracing his and Carlien’s living room floor. He used my dad’s old electronics parts to solder cute insects with old CPU’s and who knows what else. He built me a tuned wind-chime with bamboo which he sawed and then tuned each individual ‘pipe’ according to the piano by sanding it until it was ‘in-tune’. He most definitely was an artist in his own right and always to the glory of GOD.

So yes, this is my simple tribute to my baby-brother, my nearly-twin brother (with a difference of 1 year 11 months and 20 days between the two of us). He taught me to climb trees, put me through all kinds of ‘initiation-sessions’ so that I could become part of his and his best friend, Pieter-Ettiene’s, gang. I miss him terribly, but when I look at nature, and especially Boven this past weekend, I realised that he could only achieve his highest goal in life by becoming one with GOD through nature and his relationships with others. I eat smoked mussels on Vita-snacks and remember how he introduced me to this snack after a hard climb in Hogsback’s Hog 1, where I wouldn’t allow him to let the rope be released by me when he wanted to complete a multipitch, in order for him to be able to return to me. He did finally convince me, but it was with a LOT of convincing / reasoning from his side.

May you ALL continue to climb, and ALWAYS do it to the glory of The ONE who grants you the passage to an awesomely-made nature. GOD took Heinrich at the perfect time, at the perfect place, whist with the perfect person. What more can one ask for in your life than such an amazing life with and IN GOD.

Greetings in Christ,
Ronél

So ja, this is me, remembering my brother, once again.

PS: We went to Waterval-Boven this weekend to the accident site. Carlien explained to us how everything happened, and we got some clarity regarding just exactly HOW big this miracle was that she's alive! The rock / boulder, which is now in pieces (each the size of a normal, KIC Supercool fridge) where once the size of a small vehicle, like a VW Golf.

The Miracle called Carlien

There once was this girl who happened to walk into my family's life in 2003. She was blond, beautiful and in love with dancing. She could give amazing hugs and we could chat for HOURS. Our entire family adored her, we adopted her as our surrogate sister / daughter. She went with us on holiday, often stayed over at our house, several times actually sorta moved INTO our house. Mostly, she made her Check Mate move right into our hearts - forever in place.
Then, one day, she and this boy realised that they were meant for each other (something we all saw coming for several years before). They were each other's best friends, they loved each other deeply, treasured each other's hearts and decided to get married during a conversation they had somewhere in March or April 2009.
The wedding plans started coming together, this girl and boy's families rejoiced for they knew that it was just the way it had to be. Everyone got hauled in to contribute their bit of craftiness to the wedding. Quilts had to be made for the picnic-wedding, fabric had to be chosen for the wedding clothes, shoe-shopping was important, muffins and apple pies were baked, mustard made and jams were canned. All this for the BIG CELEBRATION!

On 2 May 2010, Carlien and Heinrich said their vows in front of their families, friends and most importantly, in front of GOD. They were surrounded by GOD, since they were in the mountains standing on top of a mountain to promise - Till death do us part.
Their wedding was joyous, their marriage blessed. They lived life to the fullest, decided to lay low on academics and rather celebrate each other. They traveled to Botswana, Namibia, all over South Africa, always to where there was a mountain to climb, a rock to boulder and a night under the stars.

Exactly 100 days after they said "Till death do us part" did God fetch Heinrich from this temporary world to the Eternal Universe of Heaven. Theirs was 3 months and 7 days of marital bliss, and God granted them the biggest gift of it all - marital unity in Him. What a perfect number!

You see, Heinrich and Carlien were about to ascend a climbing route in Waterval-Boven when the boulder they first had to ascend came loose in a rock slide. It went over Heinrich, who was connected by their climbing rope to Carlien (her harnass). She says it felt like the air was completely pushed out of her lungs, like a heavy force came down on her chest. They toppled / rolled 5 times before coming to a complete stop. Immediately there was help, but Heinrich had already exchanged this life for Eternal Life in the Kingdom of God, where we're sure there are no boundries to the amount of mountain routes he can now red-point!

BUT, Carlien was alive...

Heinrich's multiple injuries caused him to die withins approximately 60-90 seconds. His pants were severely torn, his body battered, and Carlien's pants looked exactly the same than his... YET, she only broke her 2nd metacarpal bone in her left hand, sustained rope burns and deep bruises. Her previous back injury was not further worsened.. SHE was alive! This is a great miracle, because the first rock that went over Heinrich must have weighed over 2.5 tons! (We know this because the cam-device that was still attached to his harnass on his left hip had a bent cable - and that would have only occured when a force of more than 2.4/2.5 tons was applied to it). Do you see what I mean by MIRACLE???

Now, last week Tuesday a friend of Carlien met her at their local climbing wall. He had a message for her from a friend of his (a certain Danie) who was climbing next to Heinrich and Carlien when the rock slide occurred. He witnessed that MASSIVE rock also going over Carlien's body, not just Heinrich's..... AND SHE IS ALIVE! He said he does not know how she survived that - it is a miracle.

So, you see, we have this miracle in our lives called Carlien. She survived a tragic accident, but as she puts it "don't stare yourself blind against the tragedy that occured and completely miss the miracle that happened alongside it"... She lost her husband, but God spared her, brought her home to her parents, and mine.

Carlien, you're our miracle! We are forever grateful that God sent one of you back to Potch when He took Heinrich Home. And as Casting Crowns sings so very aptly "And although my heart is torn, I will praise YOU in the storm"!

Praise You in This Storm (watch it on YouTube)
Written by Mark Hall / Music by Mark Hall and Bernie Herms

I was sure by now
God, You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with You"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with You"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

Though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

Parents experiencing the loss of a child, a wife losing her husband, and a baby-sister dealing with her grief...

I'm in tears once again, realising that my parents that saw my brother being born into this world, also very unnaturally (as in parents are not supposed to bury their children, but his last moments were in his most beloved mountains) saw his exit out of this world into Heaven. I read this article by Robbie Davis-Floyd on how a parent experiences the death of their child... And it just made me cry all over again.

My heart is breaking into even tinier pieces than it did 2 weeks and 5 days ago when I received the news of my kid brother's death. My parents carry on, only through the grace of our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ. Carlien, his wife? She holds onto God's love and peace and consolation, knowing that her Strength comes from HIM. She carries around his CAM device (rock climbing equipment) that has a bent cable due to a force >2.5 tons (the boulder) which contorted it's shape against my brother's hip, as a constant reminder that it's a miracle that she's alive, and to have a piece of him with her.

We all have constant reminders of Heinrich in our lives

I'm struggling with the emotions of numbness and total dispair, because at every corner that I turn, there's something that reminds me of him. His climbing photo is stuck to my wall in my office, our family photo is stuck to my fridge, a photo of him and me on his wedding day is my profile pic on my laptop's "startup/login" screen. He's on the laptop's desktop background, he's on my facebook profile.

HIS NUMBER IS ON MY PHONE BUT HE'LL NEVER AGAIN ANSWER IT!

His wedding shoes are next to my bed, I wore them yesterday - our feet were the same shape, his were just longer, so they feel like I've worn them in - yet the footprints left in these shoes are my brother's...

The necklace he made me from a flat pebble and copper plate and a blue marble lies in my Bible carry-bag, safe until he could fix it for me - he never got the chance to...

The shawl I made to wear to their wedding is often swaddled around me - a constant reminder that I witnessed one of the greatest and happiest moments in his life!

The newspaper with the front page photo of Heinrich and Carlien on their honeymoon at a beautiful waterfall, lying within sight in our lounge for all who enter.

The rolled up canvasses of paintings by all my siblings and their children, my parents and him and Carlien - meant to make a quilt with as a wedding present. He never got to see Oom Kaspaas which Otto so diligently painted and which stained Thinus' work clothes. But I WILL finish this quilt, as a rememberance of our family unit, and to cover my sister's pain...

My German Bibel next to my bed takes me back to the day that our Dad bought these for us so that we could learn his heart's language whilst learning God's Word. I still have to learn how to understand and converse in proper German. Heinrich read his with fervour - he SO loved German, went to Frau Heidi to have German 'conversations' with her every week to sharpen up his grammar and language. And so I read from my German Bibel to my dad today, from Luke 6:21 (a verse I saw last night again, after reading Luke 5, and it was underlined with a side note saying that God will restore my laugther after I went through my miscarriage). It read as follows:

"Freut euch, die ihr jetzt Hunger habt!
Gott wird euch satt machen.
Freut euch, die ihr jetzt weint!
Bald werdet ihr lachen."
(Lukas 6:21. Die bibel in Heutigem Deutsch)

"Blessed are you who hunger now,
for you will be satisfied.
Blessed are you who weep now,
for you will laugh again.'
(Luke 6:21. NIV translation)

BUT, even though I'm surrounded by all this memories and reminders, they can be good even though saddening at times. They remind me of how my brother and I cherished each other's company, how he loved JESUS CHRIST, how he truly loved his family, how he loved his wife with all his might, and how he loved life!

Thank you GOD, that I'm once again reminded of Heinrich's beauty, and Your comforting love, grace and peace...