The truth about being a Stay-At-Home-Mom

When Linmari was only 3 weeks old, I decided that I want to be a stay-at-home-mom (SAHM).  It's a heart desire which did not disappear as time went by.  It actually grew stronger and stronger, to the point that my husband wrote my resignation letter and told me I had better go and resign.

I felt guilty, having to balance my career and motherhood.  I felt overwhelmed by my situation - get to work and feeling like I'm not able to completely focus because Linmari is always at the back of my mind.  Get home and not being able to pay 100% to Linmari because I have work that still has to be completed.  Plus, the housework was getting to me...  I just could not give my 100% to anything any longer.

I've now been a full-time SAHM for the past week (well, since Tuesday, really, since I was helping out at a friend's practice on Monday afternoon).  And I can now really tell you, this is NOT easy.  Am I regretting the fact that I quit my job?  NO!  It's one less thing to stress about in my life.  Am I still overwhelmed?  YES!  The amount of sorting out and cleaning my tiny house requires is insane.  I used to do the necessary to make sure it was livable.  To ensure I didn't completely lose the plot.  But now that I'm here 24/7, it seems like there is just SO.MUCH to sort out!  As for Linmari?  I love my child, I do.  It just seems that she chose this week to have a go at poor eating habits and even worse sleeping habits (read: NO SLEEP).  If I walk away from where she's sleeping, she wakes up within 10 seconds.  So I can't even do my housework whilst she's asleep.

Okay, it sounds like I'm moaning (and to certain degree, I am) but I'm actually VERY grateful that I can spend all this time with my daughter.  She does cute and funny little things which delights me - like figuring out how to open her own sand pit and then saying "oooohhhhh" with this gorgeous little over-emphasized rounded mouth.  SOOO cute!  Yes, she enjoys doing weird things (like eating soap whilst I'm hand washing her clothes) but she also makes me laugh (when she uses ANYTHING as a 'cellphone', holding it against her ear).  I'm also finding it very difficult to just play with Linmari.  I'm VERY sorry to all the parents I've told over the past 6 years that I've practiced as an Occupational Therapist that they should just 'play with their children'.  Turns out it's not as easy as 'just playing' with my child.  I have a daily programme to follow (I bought it out of desperation and because I can't think about activities for every single day) because I'm scared that I won't stimulate this child enough and our day does not necessarily always allow me to follow the programme as stipulated (I'm a stickler for rules...imagine how this makes me feel).  I NOW feel guilty that I'm not constantly stimulating her, like she'll lag behind because of me having to quickly do the dishes, make dinner, clean-up the lounge or do a load of washing.

So, dear friends, be warned.  By the end of a day I am drained.  I just want some 'me-time'.  I want to just sort out a bit of my kitchen without having to give my full attention to Linmari 100% of the time.  That's why I also look forward to my husband coming home.  It's a break for both Linmari and myself from each other.

And please don't think that being a SAHM is like being on holiday the whole time.  Far from it.  (Someone said that to me this week...Really?!?!)  I do not have a domestic worker whom I can delegate the housework to.  Plus, I would feel guilty, since our house really is not all that big.  But I wish I was less fussy about stains on clothing (then I wouldn't be hand washing all Linmari's clothing, followed by machine washing it!), to name but one pet peeve in my life.

As I'm typing this, I'm sitting next to Linmari on the bed because dare I move, she'll surely wake up.  So, I was moping about my situation when I suddenly realised, hey, I can write a blog post about this!  Writing always makes me feel better.  My dad says it's because it is a way to purge your thoughts and feelings.  It's more for my sake than for others' that I'm writing this post.  And then I also thought about the fact that I get to see my child grow up.  Now I just have to learn to be more present in spirit instead of only in body.  This is my chance to make a difference in my child's life.  I better use it while it's mine for the taking!

To top off this crazy long-winded post, here are a few pictures from our photo shoot on Sunday (to celebrate Thinus and Linmari's birthdays).

Keeping my ducks in a row

I knew going back to work full-time, with Linmari in a daycare would be difficult.  Never in a million years did I realise HOW difficult it would be to juggle housework, parenthood and a full-time job! 

Even though I finish off at around 2-3 in the afternoon, I still seem to have nothing left of my day after picking up Linmari from daycare.  My entire last week we only got back home, on average, at about 9 PM after doing everything that was on my list.  I am a very social person and deem it very important to see my family at LEAST once a week.  Suddenly it has all become very difficult!

Housework has gotten completely out of control, to the point where I finally agreed with Thinus that I need someone to help me with it at least once every two weeks.  WOW, I hate the state it's in!  But when I get home with my little girl in the afternoon, I just want to play with her to make up for the time we've been apart!  Housework is the last thing on my mind!  And because of that I've started going for easy, high-carb dishes for dinner.  It's all a vicious cycle.

When I'm at work, I really miss my daughter SO much!  I try my best to do my job and I've promised myself that I will work hard.  But still, my heart yearns for my daughter.  She LOVES mornings and is at her best.  And now someone else (her darling daycare mother) gets to experience that lovely side of her, only for me to pick her up in the afternoon when she's already had lots of playtime with others.  Not only do I find that difficult, but also having to juggle my time table at work and my expressing times.  What a mission!  I don't mind expressing, not in the least, but I struggle to find time to do little else than work and express.  A woman needs to eat, you know?!  So Thinus has been sent on the mission to go and buy me a double electric breastpump to make life easier.

Linmari will also start with solids soon.  She literally STARES food out of your mouth!  She would love to get hold of anything and everything I eat and I tend to let her have taste.  She definitely prefers sour over sweet and is a real carnivore!  We might have some issues with vegetables, since she's gagging whenever I give her mashed up veggies.  Oh well, I knew there woud be a chance that she would be a fussy eater, especially since her daddy has issues with different textures in his mouth.  We'll start low and go slow!  At least she LOVES fruit!

My little girl has developed so much in the past week! (Good and bad).  She started balancing on her hands and feet (like a bear ;-P ) and got her first two teeth!  She also managed to contract bronchiolitis from somewhere and another virus causing upper respiratory infections, and started with her first antibiotics.  Somehow I thought that she was invincible since she was exclusively breastfed.  I was wrong!  She also discovered her tongue and thinks its HILARIOUS to stick it out for anyone who cares to look!  My little girl is not so little anymore!  Oh ja, and she's sitting all by herself :-D  *Proud OT mommy!* She got that right at just under 5 months! SCORE!  Okay, I'll stop gloating now...

So, this has been a hard few weeks on both my husband and I.  Our little girl made us sick and it's not fun not being able to breathe through your nose, nor taste.  We're both tired from our late nights and would really like to get into a better (earlier) routine.  Hopefully we'll get there soon!