Parents experiencing the loss of a child, a wife losing her husband, and a baby-sister dealing with her grief...

I'm in tears once again, realising that my parents that saw my brother being born into this world, also very unnaturally (as in parents are not supposed to bury their children, but his last moments were in his most beloved mountains) saw his exit out of this world into Heaven. I read this article by Robbie Davis-Floyd on how a parent experiences the death of their child... And it just made me cry all over again.

My heart is breaking into even tinier pieces than it did 2 weeks and 5 days ago when I received the news of my kid brother's death. My parents carry on, only through the grace of our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ. Carlien, his wife? She holds onto God's love and peace and consolation, knowing that her Strength comes from HIM. She carries around his CAM device (rock climbing equipment) that has a bent cable due to a force >2.5 tons (the boulder) which contorted it's shape against my brother's hip, as a constant reminder that it's a miracle that she's alive, and to have a piece of him with her.

We all have constant reminders of Heinrich in our lives

I'm struggling with the emotions of numbness and total dispair, because at every corner that I turn, there's something that reminds me of him. His climbing photo is stuck to my wall in my office, our family photo is stuck to my fridge, a photo of him and me on his wedding day is my profile pic on my laptop's "startup/login" screen. He's on the laptop's desktop background, he's on my facebook profile.

HIS NUMBER IS ON MY PHONE BUT HE'LL NEVER AGAIN ANSWER IT!

His wedding shoes are next to my bed, I wore them yesterday - our feet were the same shape, his were just longer, so they feel like I've worn them in - yet the footprints left in these shoes are my brother's...

The necklace he made me from a flat pebble and copper plate and a blue marble lies in my Bible carry-bag, safe until he could fix it for me - he never got the chance to...

The shawl I made to wear to their wedding is often swaddled around me - a constant reminder that I witnessed one of the greatest and happiest moments in his life!

The newspaper with the front page photo of Heinrich and Carlien on their honeymoon at a beautiful waterfall, lying within sight in our lounge for all who enter.

The rolled up canvasses of paintings by all my siblings and their children, my parents and him and Carlien - meant to make a quilt with as a wedding present. He never got to see Oom Kaspaas which Otto so diligently painted and which stained Thinus' work clothes. But I WILL finish this quilt, as a rememberance of our family unit, and to cover my sister's pain...

My German Bibel next to my bed takes me back to the day that our Dad bought these for us so that we could learn his heart's language whilst learning God's Word. I still have to learn how to understand and converse in proper German. Heinrich read his with fervour - he SO loved German, went to Frau Heidi to have German 'conversations' with her every week to sharpen up his grammar and language. And so I read from my German Bibel to my dad today, from Luke 6:21 (a verse I saw last night again, after reading Luke 5, and it was underlined with a side note saying that God will restore my laugther after I went through my miscarriage). It read as follows:

"Freut euch, die ihr jetzt Hunger habt!
Gott wird euch satt machen.
Freut euch, die ihr jetzt weint!
Bald werdet ihr lachen."
(Lukas 6:21. Die bibel in Heutigem Deutsch)

"Blessed are you who hunger now,
for you will be satisfied.
Blessed are you who weep now,
for you will laugh again.'
(Luke 6:21. NIV translation)

BUT, even though I'm surrounded by all this memories and reminders, they can be good even though saddening at times. They remind me of how my brother and I cherished each other's company, how he loved JESUS CHRIST, how he truly loved his family, how he loved his wife with all his might, and how he loved life!

Thank you GOD, that I'm once again reminded of Heinrich's beauty, and Your comforting love, grace and peace...

Ode aan my boetie

Hoe kan woorde ooit beskyf…

Hoe kan woorde ooit beskyf
Die impak van jou woorde op my siel?
Hoe kan wysies ooit omskryf
Die passie van jou lewensreis?

Want jy laat my tweemaal kyk
Na die siel van my bestaan.
Laat my wil uitreik
na my drome vir môre
en dit vasvang in vandag…

en my hart breek in tienduisend stukkies
van vreugde, herinneringe, pyn, liefde, drukkies
passie vir JESUS


want jy’t intens liefgehad,
intens gelewe,
en uiteindelik…
…
intens gesterwe


So hoe omskryf mens in woorde
die dade van ‘n hero?
Want al was jy nie foutloos nie
het jy sonder blaam gegaan.
Jy wat vrede bewaar het
terwyl jy jou man kon staan.
Jy wat liefde uitgedeel het
sonder om dit ‘n cliché te maak.
Jy wat elke sekonde gelééf het
… en binne sekondes gestérf het.
Want selfs in jou dood het jy liefde beskerm
Jou GROOTSTE liefde op aarde…jou maat.

Die HERE tel my hartstukkies op
En plak dit weer vas met Epoxy-gom genaamd LIEFDE’nGENADE.

En regdeur jou lewe, jou bestaan,
loop ‘n goue draad
- liefde passie omgee -
no compromise on your faith…
en dis daai goue draad waarna ek gryp
want daarin lê die resep vir ‘n vol lewe
maar joune was nie ‘n resep nie…
dit was ‘n roeping

Nou hoe kan woorde ooit beskryf
Die essence van jou bestaan?

©Ronél Swart, 2010

In loving memory of Johann Heinrich Kahl aka Exo

In remembrance of Johann Heinrich Kahl: 16 October 1983 - 8 August 2010

My dearest baby-brother, Heinrich, passed away on Sunday morning 8 August 2010, doing what he loved most in life - mountain climbing. He went to Jesus whilst being in the place where he felt closest to God, the mountains. With him dying, he saved his wife's life...

Our hearts are broken over our loss... he got married a mere 3 months ago, and leaves behind his wife, Carlien. Our parents are shattered, the siblings astounded. Where do one begin to explain the accolades of such an amazing man???

Heinrich, or Tiekieboks as my parents called him, was my friend (1 year 11 months and 20 days my senior) and my confidant. He loved life SO much, and he was always there to catch me when I fell (physically and emotionally). We had crazy travels together as children, being the two 'laatlammetjies' in the family. We got to experience so many amazing things together. He was and still is, my hero...

There's SO much to say about my brother, but somehow I cannot find the words - he was good with words, busy with his Masters in English Poetry. What I know is this:

• He loved God above ANYTHING in the whole world, and Jesus was his personal Saviour. He lived what he believed!
• He loved his wife, Carlien, dearly with passion which exceeds any understanding. She was his best friend, and they had awesome times together.
• He loved our parents with every inch inside of him. He would go to the ends of the earth for them.
  
• He had unconditional love for his siblings, he was the glue of this family. When we had issues with each other, he chose to remind us that we were blood-relatives, and as such had to love each other no matter what!
  
• He was my parents' pride and joy, and never anything less than a pleasure to them!
• He was a top-notch mountain climber, and always loved spending time in the mountains.
• He loved his friends and was the most loyal of them all!
  
• He was an amazing student, and very good at anything he attempted! He succeeded in life in a way many would envy him...

My liefste kleinboet... waar gaan ek nou vir my 'n kleinboet kry? Niemand gaan ooit jou plek kan vul nie. Ek's hartseer oor selfsugtige redes, maar my hart breek veral vir Carlien en Mamma en Pappa... en vir ons boeties en skoonsussies en kleinkinders en nefies en niggies en tannies en ooms... ons almal wat jou geken het, het geweet jou hart sit op die regte plek! Jy was die toonbeeld van onselfsugtige, onvoorwaardelike liefde en hoe om soos Jesus te leef. Ek kannie in woorde uitdruk hoe lief ek vir jou is nie, maar ek dink jy weet my liefde vir jou het nie perke nie.

Dankie Pappa God dat Exo by Pappa is, en dat waar hy is daar geen pyn of lyding is nie, net die 'vrede wat alle verstand te bowe gaan' (Fillipense 4:6-7)

I salute you, my dearest friend, companion and beloved brother. Ek gaan jou mis...

New beginning

It's been almost 2 months since our baby's heart stopped beating (April 6th), and only now can I say that we're over the worst. Except - today a friend, that recently found out she's pregnant, told me that they, too, have lost their baby. My heart breaks when I think about what they're going through. It's not an easy road to travel, the journey is heart-wrenching and the destination seems so far away.... BUT, what I DO know is that our Father God is ever-faithful, and will provide in all our needs. He also knows our hearts' desires, and He cares for us in a way that we cannot even begin to comprehend.

Thus, I've realised that I won't comment saying "this is for the best, there was probably someting wrong". We always accepted the situation, yet it wasn't an easy time in our lives. I'm going to cover my friend and her husband in prayer, inform her that I'm praying for them, and leave my 'door' open for when she's ready to talk. Why? Because it hurts like crazy when you hear what others mean to be healing words. And I appreciate these as being consoling, but when you're in that situation at that time it doesn't seem like the pain will ever go away. The only thing that has taken my pain away and has dulled my heartache, is God's healing grace. So, please don't see this as an attack on anyone that has sympathised with us during our miscarriage, we really did appreciate your caring. It was a great comfort to know that we were covered in prayers and blessings from others, that those we came into contact with understood why life didn't appear quite as rosy at that stage. But understand that the tears remain, the hurt remains - and only through God's healing power can that pain be taken away, and your body be restored.

May I ask that those who read this post to also cover my friend and her husband in prayers and blessings? That's the most amazing gift one can give to another. To ask for God's healing and restoration in their lives?

We thank God that we've experienced His Healing Power, and that we are now ready to try again, God willing. So here's to new beginnings, both in our lives, and in those of my beloved friend and her husband!

Praise be to God Almighty,
for His blessings are poured onto us daily,
His love covers our pain,
His grace covers our past..
Great is the Name above all names!
For He is Good, ALL the time!

Remarkable Child

Remarkable Child…

I discovered your presence early one Monday…
Confirmed it late the next Tuesday afternoon
I started dreaming up our future,
Everything was so perfect…
And for four solid weeks
I carried you in my heart.

I remember seeing your heart

Beating strongly on the screen

You were ever so tiny at 7 weeks
But I was already in love!

Then at 9 ½ weeks,
Your heart came to a standstill.
And what should have been a joyous day
Turned into a day of despair…

I watched your lifeless little body
On the screen that day
Your arms perfectly formed,
Stretched out for a hug…
But where once I saw a heartbeat,
There was only white noise…

My heart skipped a beat
And the next moment I knew
That God took you to Heaven
Because your life here would be cruel.

I still carried you inside of me
To bid my farewell
And saw you on Tuesday
Already far away…
You were curled up and peaceful
With no care in the world
And I realised this was goodbye
For this lifetime at least…

I miss your presence,
Even though I never felt you move
I miss dreaming big dreams
About what we would one day do…
My heart breaks each day
When I realise anew
That this is one more day
Without knowing you…

And today I had to let go
In a way I never wanted to
But I know that one day I’ll meet you
When I go up to Heaven.
And we’ll be together once more…

~ Ronél Swart ~
~ 15 April 2010 ~

Today my husband and I experienced losing our (first) child. It hurts so much that I can't even begin to explain it. BUT "We know that in all things God works for good with those who love Him, those whom He has called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28 Good News Translation). It is for this reason that we will mourn our loss but cannot ever blame God or ourselves for it.

It is only through our faith in Jesus Christ, our LORD and Saviour that we remain standing. He's love has shone through in everyone who've supported us in the past week and a half.

So, we bid our sweet child farewell. We won't forget you, for you've made an extraordinary impact on our marriage in the short while that we carried you. For that we cannot thank you (and especially our Father in Heaven) enough!