I'll just jump right into this post today. I'm experiencing disappointment, heartache, jealousy and lack of faith. Why? Because we've been trying to fall pregnant for more than a year now following the loss of our first child. And all that's happening is...nothing. Every month I slowly but surely build up the excitement that, 'this might just be the month it happens', only to come crashing at the end of my cycle when, once again, nothing....
I'm struggling with this, asking 'why, why, why???'. I don't for one second believe that I serve a cruel, heartless, distant GOD, but One that gives life, and that in abundance. Yet I find myself asking, 'Am I not a good enough Christian? Don't I pray or read the Bible often enough? Is my faith THAT lacking? Is my body just not willing to give us the child we so want?' But I've come to realise that my desire for a child overrides any other heart's desire I have. It came to the point that I had to admit that it's my top priority, not my relationship with GOD nor my husband.
I know that I have to work on that, and just last week I could reside in GOD for the first time in a long time, and say to Him, "Okay, not my will but YOUR will". That was difficult, since I am a control-freak. To hand over control (even though I never really had it, eh? Since biology is not dictated by my whims) is very difficult for me, to say to GOD "You really know what You're doing" when things aren't going the way I want it to, that's hectic for me. Yet, I know I have to release myself from this, because it's busy driving me crazy. My life comes to a halt, to a sudden breakdown every month, nothing being as important as the answer to 'Am I pregnant or not?'.
I've been spending a lot of time reading Job, and also James. Job is still difficult to read, but he kept his faith even though he endured all that pain. He never forsaked GOD, even though he had lengthy conversations with his friends and GOD about his dire situation. I want to have faith like that...
In Hebrews 11:1 it says "Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see." (NIV). I have to have faith that GOD knows what's best for me, the same way He says in Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (NIV) He has a hope and future for me that I cannot begin to fathom, even though I would love to have a sneak-peak.
GOD says in James 1:3-4 "because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." (NIV)
HE also promises:
7 “But blessed is the one who trusts in the LORD,
whose confidence is in him.
8 They will be like a tree planted by the water
that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
and never fails to bear fruit.” (NIV, Jeremiah 17:7-8)
I have to keep on holding onto these promises, otherwise my heart will break time and time again. I don't want to have all those feelings I first described. I don't want to feel inadequate as a woman, struggling to bring forth a next generation. But most of all, I don't want this to come inbetween my relationship with GOD, the way it has in the past year.
I want to be released from this continuous sadness and brokeness and inability to not let go of my 'control'. I want GOD to be the centre of my life, not my obsession? over the desire of having a child. And I want this not to interfere with my relationship with my husband...because marriage is not only about reproducing, but about building on a already wonderful relationship between two beings to experience fellowship with GOD on a completely new and elevated level.
GOD, help me to surrender completely, laying all at YOUR feet, relinquishing control and my will, and believing in YOUR perfect timing.