I'm in tears once again, realising that my parents that saw my brother being born into this world, also very unnaturally (as in parents are not supposed to bury their children, but his last moments were in his most beloved mountains) saw his exit out of this world into Heaven. I read this article by Robbie Davis-Floyd on how a parent experiences the death of their child... And it just made me cry all over again.
My heart is breaking into even tinier pieces than it did 2 weeks and 5 days ago when I received the news of my kid brother's death. My parents carry on, only through the grace of our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ. Carlien, his wife? She holds onto God's love and peace and consolation, knowing that her Strength comes from HIM. She carries around his CAM device (rock climbing equipment) that has a bent cable due to a force >2.5 tons (the boulder) which contorted it's shape against my brother's hip, as a constant reminder that it's a miracle that she's alive, and to have a piece of him with her.
We all have constant reminders of Heinrich in our lives
I'm struggling with the emotions of numbness and total dispair, because at every corner that I turn, there's something that reminds me of him. His climbing photo is stuck to my wall in my office, our family photo is stuck to my fridge, a photo of him and me on his wedding day is my profile pic on my laptop's "startup/login" screen. He's on the laptop's desktop background, he's on my facebook profile.
HIS NUMBER IS ON MY PHONE BUT HE'LL NEVER AGAIN ANSWER IT!
His wedding shoes are next to my bed, I wore them yesterday - our feet were the same shape, his were just longer, so they feel like I've worn them in - yet the footprints left in these shoes are my brother's...
The necklace he made me from a flat pebble and copper plate and a blue marble lies in my Bible carry-bag, safe until he could fix it for me - he never got the chance to...
The shawl I made to wear to their wedding is often swaddled around me - a constant reminder that I witnessed one of the greatest and happiest moments in his life!
The newspaper with the front page photo of Heinrich and Carlien on their honeymoon at a beautiful waterfall, lying within sight in our lounge for all who enter.
The rolled up canvasses of paintings by all my siblings and their children, my parents and him and Carlien - meant to make a quilt with as a wedding present. He never got to see Oom Kaspaas which Otto so diligently painted and which stained Thinus' work clothes. But I WILL finish this quilt, as a rememberance of our family unit, and to cover my sister's pain...
My German Bibel next to my bed takes me back to the day that our Dad bought these for us so that we could learn his heart's language whilst learning God's Word. I still have to learn how to understand and converse in proper German. Heinrich read his with fervour - he SO loved German, went to Frau Heidi to have German 'conversations' with her every week to sharpen up his grammar and language. And so I read from my German Bibel to my dad today, from Luke 6:21 (a verse I saw last night again, after reading Luke 5, and it was underlined with a side note saying that God will restore my laugther after I went through my miscarriage). It read as follows:
"Freut euch, die ihr jetzt Hunger habt!
Gott wird euch satt machen.
Freut euch, die ihr jetzt weint!
Bald werdet ihr lachen."
(Lukas 6:21. Die bibel in Heutigem Deutsch)
"Blessed are you who hunger now,
for you will be satisfied.
Blessed are you who weep now,
for you will laugh again.'
(Luke 6:21. NIV translation)
BUT, even though I'm surrounded by all this memories and reminders, they can be good even though saddening at times. They remind me of how my brother and I cherished each other's company, how he loved JESUS CHRIST, how he truly loved his family, how he loved his wife with all his might, and how he loved life!
Thank you GOD, that I'm once again reminded of Heinrich's beauty, and Your comforting love, grace and peace...